i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
