Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
