You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He? As in you personified your dick?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
