I wish life had little blips of pornography
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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