told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
