Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
