Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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