How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
