she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
