Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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