I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
