I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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