From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
