I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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