I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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