Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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