yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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