I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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