So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
