How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
