I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize