actually, I'm a sock model
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
