so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
