3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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