I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
