I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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