yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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