um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
