News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
