I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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