the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
