Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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