My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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