I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
