3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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