Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
