we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
