I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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