Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
