so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
