So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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