i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
