No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
