I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
