help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
