My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Pants are for mortals
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
