fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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