I can text with my tongue
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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