I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
