You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
