I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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