When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
