I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently you make a good broom.
Sober January is a disaster.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize