Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
