i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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