why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize