I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
