Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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