Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
