I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
