Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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