he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
