I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
