my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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