I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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